A Place to Be Real
I wish I could begin this blog with some great praise report telling you the battle is over and we won. We have come out victorious and the enemy has been defeated. The truth is the battle rages on…Friday didn’t have any major crisis to deal it was just a constant of little things that eventually left me in tears, exploding in anger, and absolutely frustrated with what in the world I was doing. Yeah, I’m human and for a moment the devil and my flesh kicked in and I lost perspective.
Yesterday, I just stayed around here, indulged my need to clean my house and feel like I had some control of my life again. Johnny and I talked last night and he had planned on coming to church but would not be singing on stage…he could only come and sit. Today he woke up at 6 o’clock unable to breath. I wrested with leaving him, but he insisted I go to church so I left the girls with him with instructions to call if he had another attack and I headed out. I wasn’t expecting to get anything out of church, I was going to fulfill my obligation and to do what I had committed to doing.
When I walked in the door, people immediately started asking how Johnny was and I started explaining. By the time we started practicing, the tears started falling. I tried to fight them, control them, make them go away. I wanted to go run to the bathroom and hide so no one would see but I thought that would be more obvious than just standing there. So I just tried to get through practice. People saw, people noticed, people handed me tissue, hugged me, told me they loved me and I had nothing to give… I just cried. People asked how I was, I responded “We are hanging in there” and then the tears would start again. I don’t think I realized how tired I was until I was around a group of people I loved, a group of people I trusted, and a place where I didn’t feel like I had to look perfect, be perfect, and hold it together… I was somewhere I could just be real.
Before church started, my family prayed for me and Johnny. I didn’t go to church to get anything this morning, I went to be obedient to fulfill my commitment that I had made to my church, but I got a lot even in my willingness to be obedient to show up when I didn’t feel like I had anything to give, God provided LOTS of family to encourage and love on me. We aren’t quiting. We are not giving up but I was tired and the moment of reprieve I was able to experience this morning because I had a family that cared was much needed. That’s what church should be. That is why God tells us not to forsake the gathering together. I needed my family today. I certainly didn’t realize how much and didn’t go for that reason, but God knew and because I have relationships with some amazing people – they knew it too!
I know I have spent a lot of time the last few weeks talking about the attack, but it’s only because I know the victory is coming and when it does I want everyone to appreciate with us the magnitude of this victory.
